I have yellow fever!

It's springtime here in the southeast!  As anyone who has ever lived here knows, that means it's yellow season.  If your favorite color is yellow, move here....or maybe buy a "spring house" if you're rich!  I've never heard of a spring house, but it seems as plausable as a summer house or a winter cabin. 

Spring here in the southeast is yellow because of the dreadful amount of pollen.  My black car (normally grey from unwashed dirt) is yellow.  My wife's silver car is yellow.  Our house has a yellow tint.  My trash can is yellow.  The pond down the road has a nice thick yellow scum on it.  It's like someone went and decided that, after having had easter marshmallow peeps, everything should be peepified!  Don't be fooled into licking my trash can though.  It still tastes like a garbage storage doodad.

How can I tell what's tasty and yellow and what's pollenified (my own word: pol-IN-i-fied) everyday stuff? There are a few methods that can be tried:

1) Does the object look like something you used to own, but in a different color?  If so, it's probably not safe to eat.  Again, do not try to bite your trashcan.  I've never seen a trash can flavored peep or a cake that was shaped like my now yellow mailbox.

2) Is the yellow easily removed by wiping or blowing?  This is especially effective with hard objects.  I don't recommend trying to blow the dirt in your flowerbeds or wiping your neighbor's dog. One will result in you looking like you're being enveloped in a cloud of yellow dingy dust and the other with you covered in dog bites and fur.

3) Do you sneeze violently when sniffing the object?  Some of you may not be sensitve enough for this test.  If you find that after sniffing all yellow powdery objects and you get no reaction from your nose, don't get upset!  Tears of anger may be confused with a false positive test result.  Simply head to your nearest walmart or drugstore and borrow someone in the allergy aisle.  Ask them to sniff a "sample" you obtained on a leftover greeting/birthday card.  Don't ask them to sniff your shirt, your shorts, or a rag you used to wipe the object off.  These acts will probably get you banned from the store.  Use your wits!

4) Lastly, when you're fairly sure this is indeed a food object and not just a pollenified BBQ grill, you can lick the object.  If it tastes delicious and full of "OMG why did I wait so long to do this?"  then it's definitely a food item.  If you lick the object and it tastes like dead plant matter, shame, and embarassment then it's definitely just your BBQ grill.

For me, there's no doubting.  Just cutting grass makes me break out in a terribly itchy rash.  Looking at my dog's yellow paws makes my eyes water, and getting the mail makes me sneeze.  Should any of you have questions, you can find me bathing in a bath of Zyrtec liquigels.  Do me a favor and bring some extra tissues.  Preferably extra strong with lotion for my poor red achy nose.